I must admit, I have not done a good job of maintaining this blog. For what it's worth, there wasn't much to write about. (Excuses. excuses.)
But as I look through the photographs of 2017 on my old and kind of useless laptop, I felt that kind of rush that I usually feel when I've had some kind of poetic epiphany.
It's been one week since 2018 has had me in it's life, and I have still not been able to say goodbye to it's predecessor . Mostly because 2017 was the most 'lost in a labyrinth' I'd ever felt. And before you ask the question '"Is she going to write about her depression or whatever new mental illness there is?", save your breath. I'm not. This is not a sad story, because 1. This isn't a story (it's more of an acceptance of fate) and 2. I'm not sad, just reminiscent.
Growing up, I never understood the hype around New Years Eve. After all, your new year is your birth date, technically speaking, because that was when your first year started. I say birth 'date' and not birthday, because I dont understand the hype around birthdays either. But when you're brought up in an environment where these days are given immense importance, you cant help but fall prey to it.
So, on the eve of Dec 31st 2016, I, like all others around me, counted down to the first day of the new year.
2017 was supposed to be the year of change for me. I told myself that I was going to quote "Say yes to life more often" unquote. And for the most part, it was a year of change for me, but not the least bit they way I expected it to be. I had a family, a boyfriend, and a decent number of friends but I still spent majority of that year feeling lonely. In retrospect, I was probably yearning for myself.
Saying no to things (and by things I mean experiences, not materialistic stuff like ice-cream. I can never say no to ice-cream.) was my general way of life.
"Hey Meera, you wanna go clubbing"? - Nope.
"Dude lets go on a trip this weekend!" - Nope.
"Want to go for the concert with me?" -Nope.
At first, the no came sliding out of my mouth as a result of situations I just couldn't wiggle out of, like- a big assignment that was due, being sick, being denied parental permisson or the general lack of money. Eventually this started happening so often that "no" kind of became my standard response to everything. But here's the catch about always saying "no"- you may end up saving a little money, you may end up working your ass off for an assignment (and still having it turn out to be crap) and you may get well faster because of the rest.
But when you keep saying "no" to people, at one point, they'll just stop asking.
And that's what happened to me. Thus began the process of my isolation. It seemed all right at first- I enjoyed the solitude. But when I didn't have anything to contribute to in conversations, I realised that people weren't distancing themselves from me, rather I was isolating myself from them. And the worst part was that I had neither realised I was doing this, nor intended to do it on purpose.
It was this realization that triggered the spiraling.
What if I'd gone for that sleepover months ago?
What if I'd ditched the assignment and just gone out?
What if, what if, what if?
I began falling into a pit of self pity and regret. Imagine that - having regrets at the age of twenty something! That pit I put myself into only got deeper and more cramped with each passing day. Those emotions of self pity, self hate and regret were only amplified with each story I was left out of.
2017 went by like a breeze. Not in the way a breeze is easy, soft and cooling but more so in the way of it being over, quickly. And although it was quick, it sure as hell was not pleasurable. And maybe, maybe if I had just chosen the 'what if' option rather than question it,maybe if I had just let go of whatever was inhibiting me, maybe if I just broke the rules more often, 2017 could have been better.
It could have been less challenging, it could have been more memorable.
Except that it was.
It was bad and horrible and messy and painful and sad, and it's gone now. It's done. It came, it went and now there's no changing it.
So although I'd have loved to wonder of what could have been, I'm left reminiscing what was.
And that, is a shitty feeling.
